…which is service engineer jargon for INstruction Manuals.
We have all had a laugh at them – particularly the Health And Safety instructions at the beginning: don’t let your baby put his head in the plastic bag… don’t immerse the appliance in water… don’t sit down on the remote, etc.
Of course, accidents happen (people DO end up presenting at Emergency Rooms with TV remotes stuck up their arses) – but typed out, these instructions seem absurd.
Then there are those manuals which have obviously been translated from a foreign language, one word at a time: “For elevating the fine looking, do be putting at area installment yes” – and so on.
But my favourites are those which OVER-SIMPLIFY. Like: to switch the appliance on, depress button marked “on”.
And I recently purchased a Panasonic 50″ plasma TV that had a HOWLER.
I figured you might think I was making this up, so I took the trouble to PHOTOGRAPH the relevant section. See if YOU can spot the bit that had me falling about…
“Using the fall-prevent screw hole and a screw (commercially available) securely fix…” COMMERCIALLY AVAILABLE???! You mean one can BUY a screw nowadays? DAMN! I thought they were called crinkle-cut nails and magically appeared if you spoke their name and spun around three times!
Holy crap – what will they think of next?
Maybe it’s just me, but the idea you can go out and purchase a screw needed QUALIFYING…
Apparently, the boys at Panasonic figured the 42″ variant was small enough to be tipped over – so they put a hole in the back of the base so you can screw it to the table or whatever. The diagram shows the specifics and merely says “Screw (not supplied)” – which is fair enough.
But – commercially available?? One can only assume that the fact they are constantly dealing with Panasonic “official” numbered parts – left them confused at the concept of a “non-standard” component.
I hadn’t laughed so much since I saw that autotune version of Cleggy’s apology speech (you know the one).
To be fair, the rest of the instruction manual is FINE – as is the TV (their “Intelligent Frame Creation” – AKA Motion Interpolation – feature, which converts films into progressive video, is brilliant) – AND my fridge-freezer (which never needs de-frosting and has the fridge at the TOP) – AND my six-channel sound system (which remembers where you were, on a disk you played several disks ago) – AND a portable two-speed open-reel tape recorder I bought in the 60s (Matsushita has been going since 1918).
But the guy who composited the manual for their UT/XT50 tellies must have been SMILING when he typed up THAT bit!