Cornelius on… Random Thoughts

Most of these are mine, but some I could have heard someplace…

 

“David Cameron was fond of baiting his masters at school.” “Really – did he master-bait often?”

“Nick Clegg is as much use as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest.”

“To Hallmark: Roses are Red – Violets are blue, Your cards are all crap – and your channel is too!” 

“The Marx Brothers: Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, Zeppo – and Skid.”

“What do you get if you cross Big Ben and the Royal Mint – with the Leaning Tower Of Pisa? The time, the money – and the inclination.”

“Worst thing about being a cave-man? Being crapped on by a pterodactyl.”

“A midget psychic escaped from jail. The next day’s headline read – ‘SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE’.”

“Happiness is – bumping into Beoncé. Very, very slowly.”

“Poor God – He creates Man – then gives him Logic, Reason and Free Choice – then Man USES them to prove He doesn’t EXIST.”

“Cruises across the North Pole - Holidays on the Swiss Riviera – isn’t 2025 a great time to be living in?”

“When Mike Tyson announced his retirement, Evander Holyfield couldn’t believe his ear.”

“Try not to leave this World as violently as you entered it.”

(notice in a public “Gents” – next to the attendant’s office)  “Some come here to have a waz and some to do a plop – so do your thing, then move on out or else I’ll call a cop.”  (I cleaned that one up)

“Money talks – big money SHOUTS.”

“The Times’ drama reviewer had an accident – his condition is critical.” 

(heard on “The Sweeney”)  “Guv! ’E’s got a SHOOTER!” “Well, send a WOOFER after ’im, George.”

“Has a man who’s achieved all his goals – simply reached his limitations?”

“Why have we never seen Goofy walking Pluto?”

“In the Sixties, I did my own thing – now I pay a guy to come in twice a week and do it FOR me.”

“Do they sterilise the needles for lethal injection?”

“The only reason people are familiar with the word ‘cuneiform’ – is because it was where the word they were ACTUALLY looking up should have been.”

“If Wolverine is feeling listless – does he become Listerine?”

“Welcome to Britain – that will be £25.”

“So I was driving up the M4 and I got overtaken by a Yamaha YPT-320. I wouldn’t have minded – but it’s a keyboard.”

“Surely a Chihuahua is just a shaved cat with Parkinson’s?”

“The World is a dangerous place – but where else can you go?”

“How come there’s no synonym for ‘thesaurus’?”

“Judgement At Nuremberg: The Musical”

“I heard Gingko Biloba tablets help cure memory loss in old people, so I bought a bottle. If only I could remember where I put it…”

“If Sammo were Britain’s Prime Minister – would they have a Hung Parliament?”

“Bossa Nova – Italian for ‘new employer’.”

“Meth and crack are made by man. Hash is made by God. Who do YOU trust?”

“You can pick your friends – you can pick your nose – but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.”

“Kanye West – isn’t that a town in the Florida Keys?”

“Take all reasonable precautions – then trust the rest to luck.”

“You say your dog is smart, because he can roll over – when he begins solving vector equations of fractal calculus, give me a call.”

“If you wake with a smile – you probably went to bed with a coat-hanger in your mouth.”

“My uncle was jailed for making big money – three millimetres TOO big.”

“The Miss Universe beauty contest has been banned. The nipple count was too high. Miss Tau Ceti had 268.”

“Do giraffes have Adam’s Apples?”

“Of course I saw your sign – ‘Thank You For Not Smoking’ – however, I needed a cigarette more than your thanks.”

“Wouldn’t it be hilarious if farts were VISIBLE? Say, as brown steam. You enter a crowded lift…”

“Samuel L. Jackson – why the ‘L’?” “Why the ‘L’ not?”

“An education is the difference between ‘Board meeting in five minutes’ and ‘Do you want fries with that?’”

“He plays the trumpet like Calvert – Phyllis.”

“Why do we say an alarm went OFF, when it clearly went ON? Perhaps it’s for the same reason we say a building was blown UP…”

“Carol Vorderman may be a terrific number-cruncher – but does she swallow?”

“Why do modern mobile phones look like Star Trek communicators, held upside-down?”

“What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?”

“As I slide down the banister of life, I’ll always remember you as the splinter in my arse.”

“How do you pitch a sequel to ‘Titanic’?”

“Your mother works in a bottle-stopper factory in a northern city, where she packs the products into canvas bags – yes, your mother sacks corks in Hull.”

“Lies are okay – provided they fit the known facts.”

“Lightning never strikes the same place twice? Try telling that to a lightning conductor.”

“Then there was the blues singer who died. His tombstone read, ‘I didn’t get up this morning’.”

“Why does a flamingo sleep on one leg? If it lifted it up, it’d fall over.”

“The System is designed to help The People, not individuals. But The People are a collection of individuals. Therefore, The System cannot work.”

“Life is what it is – you either go through it with your head held high, or hung low.”

“The Alternative Seven Dwarfs – Boss, Dozy, Horny, Creepy, Funky, Jammy and Dodgy.”

“When a mime dies, do they observe a two minute burst of noise?”

“Follow your dream – unless it’s that one where you’re naked in Safeway.”

“A man escaped from a Siberian salt-mine by carving a piece of salt into the shape of a large gun and painting it black. The next day’s headline read – ‘MAN ESCAPES USING A SALT RIFLE’.”

“Oncology – the study of hooters.”

“Cross a Suffolk Punch with a Dachshund and you get the equine equivalent of a stretch limo.”

“If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest – does it make a sound?”

“Does Catwoman have eight nipples?”

“Why do the cartoon chickens in KFC displays look so damn HAPPY?”

“The Police have just found that white Fiat – it was parked behind a grassy knoll.”

“What do you call a cross between a Bulldog and a Shihtzu?”  (how about Rex?)

“Right, rite, wright and write – and left, lefte and lieut.”

“Who needs qualifications when they’re born with big tits?”

“If the Innuit have 45 words for ‘snow’ – following the ’87 Climate Shift, how many words do the British have for ‘rain’?”

“Swallow Viagra quickly – or you’ll get a stiff neck.”

“Definition of shins – organs used for locating furniture in the dark.”

“Heard in a restaurant: ‘You can have coffee whenever you want.’ – ‘Fine, I’ll take mine in The Renaissance.’”

“F. Murray Abraham: why the ‘F’? – Why the ‘F’ not?”

“Condom manufacturers are unique. Other companies sell their wares in small, medium and large sizes. But theirs come in medium, large and extra large. Why? Think about it.”

“Input 5318008 into a calculator – then turn it upside down.”

“Do masochists drink correction fluid?”

“If you go out for a Chinese meal IN China – it’s just called a meal.”

“There IS only passion – the rest is bullshit.”

“When I die I want to go peacefully. Just slump down in my seat like Grandad. Not kicking and screaming – like the passengers on the bus he was driving.”

“If you’re wearing crotchless cowboy pants and spurs – do not squat.”

“Will khaki trousers open a car?”

“I read every fifth person in the World is Chinese – and there are five in my family. Now I’m sure it’s not Mum or Dad. And it’s definitely not me. That just leaves my brothers, Kevin and Chung – I think it’s Kevin.”

“Michael Flatley – Lord Of The Prance.”

“If Sam Cooke had sung a duet with Ella Fitzgerald – they’d have been Sam ’N’ Ella.”

“If at first you don’t succeed - try, try, try again. If people didn’t believe that, we’d be stuck with ‘1-Up’ and ‘Preparation A’.”

“When will Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant stop messing about and play the roles they were BORN for. Rickman – Sherlock Holmes. Grant – The Saint.”

“The word ‘privatise’ is spelled C-O-M-M-E-R-C-I-A-L-I-S-E.”

“Pete Conrad was the third man to walk on the Moon. He died at 69, when he fell off his Harley. Pete was my kind of man.”

“If M.I.6 wanted to keep a low profile, why did they commission a new HQ that resembles an Art Deco juke-box?”

“Happiness is – playing ‘Twister’ with the Pussycat Dolls.”

“My car has an unsightly blemish on the bonnet – a Ford badge.”

“If the factory where they make joke candles for birthday cakes – the ones that won’t blow out – caught FIRE, how would they put it out?”

“The safest seats in an aeroplane are at the rear – whoever heard of a plane BACKING into a mountain?”

“How many non-sequiturs does it take to change a lightbulb? Thursday.”

“A day without making love is a day wasted.”

“If Americans are so smart, how come only THEY need an explanation of the principles of the convex driving mirror to be etched onto each one?”

“People who live in glass houses should change in the basement.”

“Man in chemist – ‘Do you sell Viagra?’ – ‘Certainly.’ – ‘Can I get it over the counter?’ – ‘Only if you take two.’”

“I have seen the future and it’s ridiculous.”

“If you look like your passport picture – you NEED a holiday.”

“Snoop Dogg? What a prizzle.”

“A rag doll saw a murder go down – it was detained as a material witness.”

“The best place to go for treatment for sex adiction – is a singles bar.”

“I’m sorry, my American is not very good – my first language is English.”

“You know you’re getting old and tired – And have seen too many years – When hair stops growing on your head – And starts sprouting out your ears.”  (rejected by Hallmark)

“Death is God’s way of telling you to take it easy.”

“Tee-shirts? I buy goods – not labels.”

“C.S.I. – stands for Cop-Shows for Imbeciles”

“Helena Bonham Carter? I’d shag all three.”

“Private Enterprise, Corporal Punishment, Major Disappointment and General Confusion.”  (a punchline looking for a setup)

“We all bear responsibility for our own actions – unless we’re a celebrity.”

“Men in kilts should not stand over sprinklers.”

 

The World shall hear from me again…

(But if you cannot wait and LIKE “quickies” – check out “My Favourite Quotes”, elsewhere in this column).