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My YouTube hits (around seventy million, as I type) having now passed the populations of the countries of my origin, birth and residence (and the number of copies sold of “Thriller” – the biggest-selling album of all time) the next (and probably last) target for me – is to pass the one hundred million mark.

It should happen some time early next year.

And it was with this in mind, that I recalled the word “centillion” – and logically (I thought) I assumed it meant one hundred million (“cent-” being one hundred: as in centigrade, centurion, centipede, etc.)

But looking it up, I discovered I was WRONG. Forget “gazillions” – if you want to say something is a LOT – just say centillions.

You see, whilst a billion is – properly – a million million (“bi-” being two: as in bicycle, bisexual, bipartisan, etc.) – and a trillion is – again, properly – a million million million (“tri-” being three: as in tricycle, tripod, triangle, etc.) – a centillion is a million million million… …plus another NINETY-SEVEN!

Which is written as… 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000.

That’s a one, followed by SIX HUNDRED ZEROS – tell me how THAT came out on your iPads, iPhones, etc.

Of course, to live to SEE my centillion hits, I would have to hang around for… 30000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000 YEARS!

An unspeakable thought. I’ll settle for one hundred million – even if it DOESN’T have a special name.

In Roman numerals, a centillion is (theoretically) represented by an “M” with a hundred horizontal lines above it – a million being an “M” with just ONE line.

And here in the Orient, it is “the square of a myriad”.

See – now you LEARNED something.

For me, the most useful aspect of the Interweb is how you can find out about almost ANYTHING on it. And if something isn’t adequately covered by Wiki, you can guarantee some nerd has a site dedicated to it.

As a research tool, this medium is unequalled in history – all human knowledge is there. After two-and-a-half centuries, even Encyclopædia Britannica has now thrown in the towel.

But sometimes, you can find out TOO much – case in point…

For as long as I can remember, in Britain, the expression “kick the bucket” has meant to DIE.

And yet it is also used in The States (unchanged, for once – Americans invariably change EVERYTHING to try to kid themselves and the World that they INVENTED everything: words, numbers, measures, names, vehicle speeds, date/months, building’s floor assignations, their TV line-standard, their mains voltage and timebase – even World HISTORY) remember how Jimmy Durante LITERALLY kicked the bucket in the opening sequence of “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”? There you go.

So where did this expression come from?

Well, I recalled something about people being HANGED (or hanging themselves) by placing their necks in a noose while they stood on an upturned bucket. Kick the bucket away and the job would be done.

Except that didn’t really make SENSE. A suicide could not kick the bucket while they were STANDING on it. And a person being hanged wouldn’t kick it either – someone else would. But THEY wouldn’t be the one dying.

So I investigated – and finally came up with the answer…

It turns out that the hanging story – which is common – is BOGUS. The REAL answer is much worse.

The reason the phrase is used on both sides of The Pond is it is ARCHAIC.

It originated in Britain and travelled to The New World hundreds of years ago. In fact the true origin begins in France.

Fans of “Top Gear” will be familiar with the medieval trebuchet. On that programme, they used one to catapult a Nissan Sunny across a field (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PF0gNJ6onN4).

This device uses a BEAM with a heavy weight on one end and originally, an array of repulsive objects selected to seriously annoy the inhabitants of a castle’s keep – on the other.

These included the corpses of plague victims, deseased animals, rotten fruit, great big steaming piles of animal and/or human poo-poo, Justin Bieber CDs - you get the idea.

And it gets worse still. The word bucket does not just mean a galvanised steel (these days, more often plastic) pail with a semi-circular handle, for transporting liquids – it also refers to the wooden yoke often used in olden days, to allow a person to carry TWO.

In other words, a beam.

This use of the word has the same root as the trebuchet – and apparently, in Norfolk, is still used thusly (although despite MYSELF originating from the neighbouring county – Suffolk – I can’t say I’ve ever come across it).

And so, in the case of kicking the bucket, the bucket in question is NOT a device for conveying liquids – but rather, a BEAM.

Which is where this story becomes DEEPLY awful.

You see, in ancient times, slaughterhouses used to string livestock up to beams by their back legs and slit their throats to kill them (and in some retarded countries, they still do). At which point, the unfortuate animals understandably thrashed around and in doing so – KICKED THE BUCKET.

So now you know. But like me, I’m sure you would have preferred NOT to.

Sorry.

The heyday of both British and American cinema ran from immediately after WW1 to a few years after WW2 – when TV replaced the film programmes.

Despite this, tradition resulted in film programmes continuing until the turn of the Eighties – at which point they were replaced by “event movies” running mostly at the new multiplexes.

And in that heyday, Britain, France, Germany, Italy and elsewhere had large enough audiences to support their home-grown products. But once TV took over, the landscape changed.

By the Sixties, Britain had become heavily dependent on American financial input – and when that faded in the Seventies, the British film industry found itself on its own.

However, this is not to say that the British film industry DIED at that time. It merely began to adapt.

Its technicians worked CHEAP, so Britain’s talent turned to making the best AMERICAN movies – in Britain. Without them, George Lucas would be forgotten today.

But in terms of making BRITISH films, the industry stalled.

Gone were the big studios, with their in-house facilities, churning out new films every week. Now, as in Hollywood, productions were all ONE-OFFS – meaning they became both expensive and time-consuming to set up.

Nevertheless, after struggling through the Eighties – for British films, the tide began to turn.

Hollywood had gone through a mini-Golden Age during the late Nineties and early Noughties (?) – but then their fare had become overladen with big-budget SFX-laden bubble-gum movies.

While, thanks largely to financial input from Britain’s National Lottery (appropriately) the British film industry went from strength to strength.

The fact is, while the NUMBER of good British films may have lessened dramatically over the years – their quality has NOT.

During the last decade, Britain has turned out films Hollywood would have given its right NUT to have made.

An early example was Steve Coogan’s “The Parole Officer”. The title was misguidedly changed from “The Probation Officer” for America’s benefit (although it could easily have been retained for the British release) yet ironically, it appears to have done little business there.

And since it only took five million pounds in the home market, it probably lost a packet (the budget is unknown).

Indeed “The Boat That Rocked” (US title: “Pirate Radio”) cost around fifty million bucks to make – and only grossed thirty-six. Therefore, since the cinemas keep half of the gross, this means it only netted eighteen. OUCH!

However, despite these two sad stories, today’s British film industry is NOT a money-pit.

“The Boat That Rocked” cost FAR more to make than it should have done.

While “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” was made on location, starred some of Britain’s best actors – yet it only cost TEN million bucks to make and netted over SIXTY.

Furthermore, only about a third of that came from America.

The thing is, while Americans (and some Brits) think the US box office is the only one that matters – it is not uncommon for films that are ABOUT SOMETHING to gross a packet in what they call the “foreign” market.

Just ask Rowan Atkinson.

If his fortune had relied on the “domestic” (US) market, instead of being able to smash up half-million-pound cars at the weekend – he would be lucky to be able to afford Mr Bean’s MINI.

His two Bean movies and two Johnny English movies KILLED at the World box office – but barely stirred that “domestic” market.

The first Bean cost eighteen million dollars to make – netted twenty-three in the US (the only one of his films to show a profit there – albeit a small one) – and over a HUNDRED World-wide.

The second cost twenty-five – netted a pathetic fourteen Stateside – but again, glommed over a HUNDRED elsewhere.

While the first Johnny English outing cost nearly forty million to make (its production values were akin to a Bond movie) and netted twenty in the US – but another SIXTY World-wide.

And its sequel cost forty-five big ones – netted eighty World-wide – of which a miserable FOUR came from America.

Simon Pegg has done well at the box office too.

His first major film, “Shaun Of The Dead” netted only fifteen million bucks, World-wide – about half from the US – although its production costs (again, unknown) were probably modest.

But “Hot Fuzz” – with a budget of a mere eight million bucks – netted over FORTY million. However, yet again, only twelve of that came from America (not surprising, as it took the piss out of THEIR action movies).

Then came “Paul”. Being shot in the States and requiring fifteen million bucks worth of special effects to realise its titular character, its budget hit the forty million mark.

And its swipes at creationists did little to help its US box office – it only netted eighteen million there.

But luckily the rest-of-the-World was not so tight-arsed and gave it a further thirty, pushing it comfortably into the black.

His latest project is “The World’s End” – a sci-fi adventure set in Welwyn Garden City. It is set for release this summer.

Another recent British film with a pub/sci-fi theme was “FAQ About Time Travel” – about whose figures nothing is known. But it was VERY good and starred Chris O’Dowd, who also shone in “The Boat That Rocked”.

And that film – plus “Shaun Of The Dead”, “Hot Fuzz” AND “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” featured “newcomer” Bill Nighy. 63-year-old Bill has been plugging away in The Business for DECADES – of which this last has finally paid off for him.

Another British oldster is Sir Michael Caine – now eighty years old and still doing it. Four years ago, he appeared in yet another excellent British film – “Harry Brown”. At 76, one could have forgiven him for hanging up his hat after making one of the best films of his career – but he has since done EIGHT more films – and a TV series. The man is unstoppable.

“Harry Brown” was a gritty British film that cost just seven million bucks to make. But while it did well in Britain, netting five million – it was not promoted elsewhere, so lost money overall.

On the other hand, NO Bond film has EVER lost money. Indeed it is this propensity that has kept them going for half a century now – apart from the occasional gap, during which court cases raged over who OWNED the cash-cow franchise.

Said franchise was almost lost to America in 1970 – but since “Diamonds Are Forever”, the series has remained firmly BRITISH.

However, the success of 007 should not be allowed to smother the often STELLAR work being done by the REST of the British film industry.

With Hollywood on the ropes – at least in terms of QUALITY output…

And with a whole generation of Baby-Boomers – who DEMAND quality films – now retiring…

Britain could be set to FILL that niche.

…which is service engineer jargon for INstruction Manuals.

We have all had a laugh at them – particularly the Health And Safety instructions at the beginning: don’t let your baby put his head in the plastic bag… don’t immerse the appliance in water… don’t sit down on the remote, etc.

Of course, accidents happen (people DO end up presenting at Emergency Rooms with TV remotes stuck up their arses) – but typed out, these instructions seem absurd.

Then there are those manuals which have obviously been translated from a foreign language, one word at a time: “For elevating the fine looking, do be putting at area installment yes” – and so on.

But my favourites are those which OVER-SIMPLIFY. Like: to switch the appliance on, depress button marked “on”.

And I recently purchased a Panasonic 50″ plasma TV that had a HOWLER.

I figured you might think I was making this up, so I took the trouble to PHOTOGRAPH the relevant section. See if YOU can spot the bit that had me falling about…

Panasonic instruction

“Using the fall-prevent screw hole and a screw (commercially available) securely fix…” COMMERCIALLY AVAILABLE???! You mean one can BUY a screw nowadays? DAMN! I thought they were called crinkle-cut nails and magically appeared if you spoke their name and spun around three times!

Holy crap – what will they think of next?

Maybe it’s just me, but the idea you can go out and purchase a screw needed QUALIFYING…

Apparently, the boys at Panasonic figured the 42″ variant was small enough to be tipped over – so they put a hole in the back of the base so you can screw it to the table or whatever. The diagram shows the specifics and merely says “Screw (not supplied)” – which is fair enough.

But – commercially available?? One can only assume that the fact they are constantly dealing with Panasonic “official” numbered parts – left them confused at the concept of a “non-standard” component. 

I hadn’t laughed so much since I saw that autotune version of Cleggy’s apology speech (you know the one).

To be fair, the rest of the instruction manual is FINE – as is the TV (their “Intelligent Frame Creation” – AKA Motion Interpolation – feature, which converts films into progressive video, is brilliant) - AND my fridge-freezer (which never needs de-frosting and has the fridge at the TOP) - AND my six-channel sound system (which remembers where you were, on a disk you played several disks ago) - AND a portable two-speed open-reel tape recorder I bought in the 60s (Matsushita has been going since 1918).

But the guy who composited the manual for their UT/XT50 tellies must have been SMILING when he typed up THAT bit!

…are all still around and performing. Of course they have cut back a bit these days – but given they are all in their mid-EIGHTIES now, that seems only fair.

Anyhoo, despite this monograph’s title, this story is not really ABOUT them – but rather, a few of the ways our society has changed since 1960, the heyday of the afore-mentioned gentlemen.

Like, consider the RECORDS they made: all three of these guys were selling SHED-fulls of live comedy albums in 1960.

Shelley’s “Woman On A Ledge” monologue was MASSIVELY successful in its day (although having performed it for several years, he finally dropped it – unable to deliver it properly, after CONSTANT repetition).

Meanwhile, not everyone could go and see Morty’s club shows – where he would “analyse” the news stories of the day – so his albums became the next best thing.

And Bob’s “Button-Down Mind” series were some of the biggest-selling albums of ALL TIME (which pissed off Shelley, who figured that HE had invented the talking-into-a-telephone monologue format – despite it having actually been done years earlier).

But people used to play these albums through to the FELT – and in Britain, the BBC would CONSTANTLY play Bob’s “The Driving Instructor” and “Introducing Tobacco To Civilization” on their Light Programme.

[If you are YOUNG, here is Shelley's signature piece and a Newhart gem, from my uploads... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsSymay9Kgg and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArMf6xbMsLI]

And the REASON people (including this historian) played these albums to DEATH was their PRICE.

In Britain, “LPs” cost GBP1:67 – which today, adjusted for inflation, would run out at over THIRTY QUID (around fifty US bucks) a pop.

Furthermore, given the parallel, real-value increase in WAGES over the same period, the ACTUAL price would be nearer SEVENTY quid (about a HUNDRED US bucks).

No WONDER they got played so much!

In fact, when Bob Newhart toured Britain in the Seventies, he would tell the audiences he could see their LIPS MOVING, while he was delivering the two above-mentioned classics.

But over the intervening half-century, things have changed radically. We now live in a Disposable Society, where things have never been cheaper, in real terms. Tracks on iTunes cost pennies – and if they are on YouTube (like the ones the two above URLs lead to) they are FREE.

And while comedy albums have largely been replaced by DVDs, the prices of those have TUMBLED. Thus now, a ninety-minute VISUAL record costs from a fiver to maybe thirteen quid (eight to twenty bucks).

Therefore most tend to get watched a maximum of two or three times.

And this phenomenon has even altered THIS reporter’s habits. These days, he rarely watches or listens to ANYTHING more than once. Given the prices and QUANTITY of material now disseminated – he does not have the time or inclination.

Which explains why people claim today’s comedy is CRAP compared to the timeless routines delivered by the three titular gentlemen – it is simply that modern comedy is viewed as being DISPOSABLE.

But the TRUTH is, British humour has never been BETTER. A RAFT of young comics are constantly touring the many comedy clubs that have sprung up, since the revival of the early Eighties.

And a plethora of TV “topical” panel shows (along with the best of those comics – and a slew of additional writers) ensure this rich vein of humour reaches those who do not wish to leave their armchairs.

No, the REAL reason we listened to those comedy performance records over and OVER again – was they cost us A DAY’S WAGES.

[note: if you'd like to SEE Mr Berman in full flow, another of my uploads can be found at... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e0tZR5isQk]

But while comedy performances have become disposable – so have its PERFORMERS.

In My Day, in Britain, TV comedy was dominated by only the number of people you could get in a short bus (appropriately, my American readers might say). Bruce Forsyth, Ken Dodd, Morecombe and Wise, Benny Hill, Tommy Cooper, Charlie Drake, Jimmy Tarbuck, etc.

However, these guys DOMINATED the scene for DECADES. And when, in the early Eighties, they got swept aside by the New Wave of comics from the then-burgeoning new comedy clubs – and the traditional Oxbridge “Footlights” movement - the new crowd ALSO ruled for decades.

Rowan Atkinson, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Adrian Edmondson, Rik Mayall, Harry Hill, Tim Vine, Julian Clary, Stephen Fry and Hugh Lawrie all got their own series and are today regarded as “veteran comics” (which makes ME feel old).

But when these guys exploded all over the scene, they made it look so easy that another generation went to Open Mike nights at their local clubs and of the thousands that got booed off the stage (“my workmates say I’m funny – I’ll go up on stage and just wing it”) HUNDREDS made it.

And today, they are all over the comedy panel shows and gigging up and down the country.

While those who discovered their comedic talents lay in WRITING, rather than performing are around too – either fuelling tours or backing the performers on said panel shows.

However, for those people, there is a price to pay: the sheer QUANTITY of material TV now gobbles up on its many channels means that today, both writers and performers get USED UP (if not burned out) in a few YEARS, rather than decades.

But while British comedy may be going through material and performers like a dose of salts – it is WE who are the winners here.

Today, life’s a piece of shit and the only way to survive it is to have a laugh (as Eric Idle – another veteran comic – reminds us).

And so these people help keep us SANE…

There are lies, damned lies – and government statistics.

Yet these figures are what allow our governments to SCREW with us (and just SCREW us).

Five cases in point…

(1) In the early Seventies, the UK government made seat-belt wearing mandatory. The figures told them they would be able to close a load of hospitals – thus saving MONEY – thanks to the drop in injuries.

But they soon discovered that while motorist casualties did indeed go down - pedestrian casualties went UP. Drivers were treating the SAFETY devices as PERFORMANCE devices and driving FASTER.

(2) Later in the Seventies, despite doctors telling them “second-hand smoke” was pretty much harmless, the US government nevertheless went ahead and ordered research to be done. The outfit which did it came back and said – passive smoking was a KILLER.

This resulted in them bringing in a raft of measures designed to reduce that risk. They even banned smoking in BARS. The bars were apoplectic – they lost a fortune and many were forced to CLOSE.

But companies LOVED the new rules – it meant they SAVED a fortune on cleaning and refurbishment.

And while later research showed the original research had been deeply flawed, the US government – and those who had aped them – were not about to perform a U-turn. This was a pattern that was to repeat itself.

(3) Like in the Eighties, when STRAIGHT people began to become HIV-positive and governments started to take the threat seriously. Their figures told them people had gotten the vile disease from straight sex, so they told everyone to wear CONDOMS – devices which, since the pill had become easily obtainable, had largely been consigned to history.

Only later did it emerge that the people interviewed, who had claimed to have gotten the disease from hookers and fast women, had ACTUALLY got it from MALE hookers and women who had let them use the “back door” – something their wives had baulked at.

It transpired that people had more chance of being hit by lightning than catching AIDS from straight, “front door” sex.

So, did those governments say, “Oops – our mistake – forget those condoms”? Did they f*** – they had just spent millions of tax-payers’ dollars and pounds on AIDS advertising. Thus today, the official position is STILL “put a mac on it.”

(4) Also in the Eighties; after Mad Maggie had sold off Britain’s water and sewage to commercial interests, those fat-cats discovered they had been sold a pig in a poke. The system was antiquated and falling apart.

Typically, they blamed their consumers and demanded they use less water. With washing machines and toilets, the government was able to lean on manufacturers. But when it came to baths, they had to use a different approach. And so they said, “Hey, use SHOWERS instead of baths. They only use a fifth of the water – and therefore, heat.”

But once again, the figures were BOGUS. Firstly, they had indicated that people only ran showers for five minutes a go – whereas the true figure was DOUBLE that. And secondly, they failed to take into account that with showers taking less time, people had more time FOR them.

Thus most folk took around THREE TIMES the number of showers than they had previously taken baths. Which meant the true figure for water consumed by showers was little less than with baths – and with power-showers, it was MORE.

(5) But today, Britain is experiencing an even MORE iniquitous deception; government projections of future life expectancy.

Instead of simply SOLVING the Western World’s single biggest headache – unemployment – by REDUCING the age at which people can retire, ALL governments are actually trying to INCREASE it, to delay having to pay state pensions.

And in Britain, the government is trying to JUSTIFY that action – yet AGAIN, by utilising bogus figures.

THIS time, they are claiming that average life expectancy is dramatically RISING. They are taking the figures for a hundred years ago – matching them with today’s figures – and keeping the linear graph-line going UP to contrive a scenario which will demonstrate to today’s twenty-somethings that they can expect to live until their LATE NINETIES.

Which is a cruel LIE. And the way they are doing this is by INCLUDING the CHRONIC number of infant deaths which occurred a hundred years ago, thus artificially DEFLATING the figure for life-expectancy back then (to about 62) and comparing it with the TRUE figure today (about 80).

The thing is, back then, if you managed to survive the AWFUL living conditions prevalent at the time – until your twelfth birthday – you had almost as good a chance of reaching your eightieth as you do TODAY.

The REAL increase in life expectancy has been negligible. The only difference has been that loft insulation, double-glazing, central heating, cavity-wall insulation – allied with synthetic clothing and bed-clothes – now insulates children from the withering COLD of British winters.

This writer was nearly KILLED by the 1957 “Asian Flu” pandemic – a bug whose effects were MAJORLY exacerbated by his living in a house which enjoyed NONE of the afore-mentioned benefits and wearing clothes made from cheap cotton and wool.

Not to mention sleeping in an unheated bedroom under half a ton of blankets. I could hardly BREATH – and when I did, I watched clouds of condensation billow up to the ceiling. I am lucky to be WRITING this.

And those who did NOT survive that winter – and many winters before – are today helping – with their DEATHS – the current British government to kid gullible young adults they will live til they are nearly a HUNDRED.

Which is BULLSHIT.

But of course, by the time they find OUT, it will be too late.

However, it is not too late for YOU, reading this. Just remember; the next time you hear a politician or newsreader say the words – “government figures” – YOU ARE BEING LIED TO.

Details are now emerging of the plot of the above-mentioned film, currently shooting in Norfolk.

A huge alien spaceship appears, which hovers over Norwich. The city council assembles an extraordinary meeting, to discuss what to do.

As the session begins, a huge voice booms out from the spacecraft (supplied by Brian Blessed) announcing that they have come for their spiritual leader, Alan Partridge. They demand he be made available to them within the hour, or they will raze Norwich to the ground. And as a demonstration of their power and intent, they send a beam down, which vaporises Norwich Cathedral (effects to be provided by Cinesite).

Immediately, the entire Norfolk Constabulary (“Our Priority Is You”) is despatched to find Alan. After searching everywhere, they finally find the presenter living in a Volvo 240 estate, in the car park of the Magdalen St studios. Now a hopeless drunk, he is unaware Anglia Television has been absorbed into ITV and its studios sold off.

They slap him around and pour coffee into him – then inform the aliens he is ready to meet them.

Alan gets beamed up into the spacecraft, but when the aliens begin probing him, his homophobia kicks in and he escapes from the lab. A chase around the ship ensues.

When he is finally recaptured, he assumes the character of Tony Ferrino – whereupon the disgusted aliens immediately beam him down to the stage of the Norwich Playhouse and roar off back into space.

Unfortunately, a production of “The Romans In Britain” is in full swing and Alan gets rogered by half the cast.

At least, that’s what I’ve heard…

For more on this, hit… http://damienatloppers.wordpress.com/2013/02/24/damien-on-the-the-alan-partridge-movie-film/

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